What would you tell a 7 year old child when asked "Why did you and daddy break up?"

Comment

Comment by Tracy Kennedy on July 14, 2010 at 9:29pm

The bashing of the other parent is detrimental to a child. Messy divorces with fighting hurt and traumatize the children - they need to be done by mediating and keeping things amicable. No one should bad mouth the other parent. The intimate details are not for children's ears. They don't understand and they blame themselves. If the two parents make the breakup ok, then it helps the child to feel all will be ok. I would tell the child sometimes you can love each other but it doesn't mean you are in-love with each other. Sometimes two people are not meant to be as a couple but are better off as friends.

Comment by Brenda Hunten on June 24, 2010 at 9:44am

I completely agree that there shouldn't be bashing of the other parent, that's just ugly. But I disagree about telling them you changed your mind about loving someone, that sends a very unstable message to your child. Although I kind of think that's the message divorce in general sends anyway. "I love you tons but might change my mind so watch out." And I actually DO think parents should tell their kids about the good times (obviously not sexual), one of the best ways of making your child feel secure is by openly showing your love for your spouse. I believe you can be honest without being inappropriate or mean so I stand by my opinion that truth is the best.

Comment by Kim Goldman on June 23, 2010 at 7:28pm

Jackie, you are right - and that is happening in my house as we speak. But on the other hand, there are lots of people that are terrible spouses but amazing parents (in our house that is not the case but ...!) ... so it does not serve either parent to bash the other - if the mom or dad is a great parent the child doesn't need to know that they were not a good husband/wife -- it just doesn't matter.

I ended up seeing my birth mom for who she was, at a very young age ... she constantly spoke ill of my father for YEARS ... but he said nothing ... I eventually realized what was happening and ultimately resented her for bashing the only parent that i had, that actually showed up for me ! Again, each situation is different ... none of us knows the best or right way, we just know what works for us.

and for those of us that need to vent ... BLOG :)

Comment by Jackie MacDougall on June 23, 2010 at 7:11pm

Kim, your dad was obviously strong enough to not blurt out every emotion the second he had it. It allows you to work through your feelings about your mom without having to carry your dad's emotional baggage. I've seen it when one parent will give more info and bad mouth the other and the kids actually reject that parent -- like shooting the messenger. There are ways to talk about it without bashing the other because, eventually, kids see their parents for who they truly are... flaws and all.

Comment by Kim Goldman on June 23, 2010 at 6:20pm

I disagree. The truth is, the cheating is probably not what broke up that particular marriage ... there were other things I am sure, that led to that result. And if wasn't cheating it would probably have been something else. It is not necessary for children to know the intimate details of a husband/wife's relationship during a split - up; you wouldn't share that kind of stuff when its good, would you?

I don't think there is a stead fast answer to this though - each child handles things differently... I was raised with by a father who never said an ill word about his ex-wife (my mother) and always just told me "moms and dads sometimes change the way they feel about each other and your mom and I decided that they we would do better on our own, than together. " I did that with my son, despite how much I wanted to tell him all the reasons ... truth is, it's none of his business the "why" ... it's my job to make it is painless as possible and keep my side of the street clean by not making or passing a judgment about his father. My son is a little older now, and I can tell him that we were a family a long time ago, and that he was born into a happy home, with lots of love but now our family looks a little different. Just my two cents ... it works for us ...

Comment by Brenda Hunten on June 23, 2010 at 11:20am

The truth doesn't have to be detailed, but the truth is still the best. She doesn't have to hear about the sex to understand. "I loved your dad very much but he was selfish and chose to do things that hurt us. It made me too sad to let him stay here." That's age appropriate truth. As she gets older she should be told more so that it's never a huge revelation. That's when kids get angry and freak out. No one wants to feel lied to. The truth, even in small doses, is best.

Comment by Paul De La Cerda on June 23, 2010 at 8:26am

Brenda, she is 7 years old and her daddy cheated multiple times with three others while her mommy was pregnant and engaged with him. Can a 7 year old really handle the truth at this age?

Comment by Brenda Hunten on June 23, 2010 at 7:24am

the truth